Lists of Stuff

The Top 50+ Geek T-Shirt Slogans

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8. C:WINDOWS C:WINDOWSGO C:PCCRAWL
9. C:DOS C:DOSRUN RUNDOSRUN
10. <——– The information went data way ——–
11. Best file compression around: “DEL .” = 100% compression
12. The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted ... Cereal Port Not Responding
14. The name is Baud ... James Baud.
15. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
16. Access denied–nah nah na nah nah na!
17. C:> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
19. Why doesn’t DOS ever say “EXCELLENT command or filename!”
20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
21. Southern DOS: Y’all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
22. Backups? We don’ NEED no steenking backups.
23. E Pluribus Modem
24. >... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the Etherbunny
26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?
29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
30. A computer’s attention span is as long as its power cord.
31. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor’s Pentium.
32. 24 hours in a day ... 24 Jolt Colas in a case ... Coincidence?
33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
34. Windows: Just another pane.
35. SENILE.COM found ... Out Of Memory ...
36. Who is General Failure & why’s he reading my disk?
37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
39. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
40. All computers wait at the same speed.
41. DEFN: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
42. Press <CTRL>-<ALT>-<DEL> to continue ...
43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue ...
44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue ...
45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
46. E-mail returned to sender – insufficient voltage.
47. Help! I’m modeming ... and I can’t hang up!!!
48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kebord awound?
49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
50. “640K ought to be enough for anybody.” - Bill Gates, 1981
51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
52. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
53. Press any key... No, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
54. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit ...
55. Go ahead, make my data!

17 Reasons you just might be a programmer...

1. If you know the difference between a fork and a for k loop.
2. If you know the difference between a pie and pi.
3. If you know the difference between wind and WEND.
4. If you know that dividing by zero doesn’t actually happen even though the dialog says so.
5. If you know that a pointer means more than “that thing you click with”.
6. If you know that parity isn’t a comedic play on words.
7. When you hear sub and think routine (although the sandwich is a close second).
8. When you hear see R.E.M. and think REM statement.
9. When you hear prom you think EPROM
10. If you know that a msgbox doesn’t come in the mail.
11. If you have a clue that { and begin, } and end can mean the same thing.
12. If you have a clue that C++ isn’t some kind of smiley.
13. If you know the difference between a terminal and a monitor.
14. If you know ASCII code for any character from memory (or EBCDIC).
15. If you know the difference between a curse and hex.
16. If dialog means something other than talk.
17. If you know what beverages have the most Caffeine.

59 Questions

1. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
2. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
3. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
4. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
5. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
6. When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
7. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?
8. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
9. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
10. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
11. What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
12. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
13. Is it possible to be totally partial?
14. What’s another word for thesaurus?
15. When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
16. If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
17. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
18. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream?
19. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
20. How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
21. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
22. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
23. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
24. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
25. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
26. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
27. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
28. How can they tell that twin lobsters are really twins?
29. How does a thermos know when to keep something hot, hot...and something cold, cold?
30. What is the speed of dark?
31. Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM’s?
32. If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don’t they wear a pair of bras?
33. How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
34. What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
35. After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
36. If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
37. What’s another word for synonym?
38. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
39. When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
40. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
41. Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
42. Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?
43. How can there be self-help groups?
44. Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
45. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
46. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
47. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
48. Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
49. Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
50. Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
51. Where are Preparations A through G?
52. Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
53. If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
54. When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
55. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does she wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
56. What happened to the first 6 “ups”?
57. If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
58. Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
59. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I choose to be an optimist. There no point in being anything else.

–Winston Churchill

8 More Questions

1. Why can a pizza get to your place faster than an ambulance?
2. Why are there handicap parking places in front of a roller skating rink?
3. Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the rear of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes in the front?
4. Why do banks leave both doors open for entry and yet chain the pens to the counters?
5. Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?
6. Why do we have answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we don’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place?
7. Why do we buy hotdogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?
8. Why do we have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering?

The word Politics to describes the process so well: “Poli” in Latin means ‘many’, and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.

25 World’s Shortest Books

1. Things I Wouldn’t do for Money by Dennis Rodman
2. “Human Rights Advances in China”
3. “The Differences Between Reality and Dilbert”
4. “The Book of Virtue” by Bill Clinton
5. “To all the Men I’ve Loved Before” Ellen
6. “Strom Thurmond: Intelligent Quotes”
7. “My Plan to Find the Real Killers” by OJ Simpson
8. Al Gore: The Wild Years
9. Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean
10. America’s Most Popular Lawyers
11. Career Opportunities for History Majors
12. Detroit - A Travel Guide
13. Different Ways to Spell “Bob”
14. Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
15. Easy UNIX
16. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
17. Everything Men Know About Women
18. Everything Women Know About Men
19. French Hospitality
20. George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names
21. How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
22. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
23. Staple Your Way to Success
24. The Amish Phone Book
25. The Engineer’s Guide to Fashion

55 Bumper stickers from across the U.S.

1. Keep honking.....I’m reloading.
2. Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
3. I brake for no apparent reason.
4. Forget about World Peace... Visualize using your turn signal.
5. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
7. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
8. IT IS as bad and you think, and they ARE out to get you.
9. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
10. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
11. I love cats... they taste just like chicken.
12. Out of my mind... Back in five minutes.
13. Forget the Joneses, I’m having trouble keeping up with the Simpsons.
14. Born free..Taxed to death.
15. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
16. Laugh alone and the world thinks your an idiot.
17. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
18. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
19. Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
20. Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
21. Montana- At least our cows are sane!
22. I didn’t fight to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
23. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
24. If you don’t like the news go out and make some.
25. When you do a good deed, get a receipt, just in case heaven is like the IRS.
26. No radio - Already stolen.
27. Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have power surges.
28. I took the IQ test and it came back negative.
29. Where there is a will, I want to be in it.
30. Ok, who stopped payment on my reality check.
31. Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
32. I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
33. Hard work has a future payoff. Lazy pays off now.
34. Tell me to stuff it - I’m a taxidermist.
35. IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
36. Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
37. It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
38. According to my calculations, the problem does exist.
39. Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
40. Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
41. How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
42. Warning: Dates in the calendar are closer then they appear.
43. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
44. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
45. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
46. Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else.
47. Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
48. Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
49. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
50. i souport publik edekashun.
51. Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
52. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count &amp; those who can’t.
53. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
54. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
55. Caution: I drive like you do.

48 More T-Shirts

1. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
2. Drink ‘til she’s cute, but stop before the wedding
3. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines
4. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
5. I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week
6. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
7. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
8. I intend to live forever – so far, so good
9. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
10. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
11. If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!
12. Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
13. Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
14. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
15. Support bacteria - they’re the only culture some people have
16. Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
17. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
18. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
19. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
20. Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.
21. If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
22. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
23. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
24. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
25. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
26. Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
27. When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
29. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
30. If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
31. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
34. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
35. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
36. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
37. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
38. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
39. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
40. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
41. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
42. Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
43. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
44. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
45. Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
46. Black holes are where God divided by zero.
47. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
48. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

18 Books Rejected by Dr. Seuss

1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo—Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Frick Out!
12. Are You My Proctologist?
13. Yentl the Lentil
14. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
15. Aunts in My Pants
16. Oh, the Places You’ll Scratch and Sniff!
17. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
18. The Grinch’s Ten Inches

33 Reasons why Men are Proud of Themselves

1. We know stuff about tanks
2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase
3. We can open all our own jars
4. We can go to the bathroom without a support group
5. We don’t have to learn to spell a new last name
6. We can leave a motel bed unmade
7. We can kill our own food
8. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
9. Wedding plans take care of themselves
10. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend
11. Underwear is $10 a three-pack
12. If you are 34 and single nobody notices
13. Everything on our faces stays the original color
14. Three pair of shoes are more than enough
15. We don’t have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming
16. Car mechanics tell us the truth
17. We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking “He must be mad at me.”
18. Same work–more pay
19. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character
20. We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift
21. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends
22. Your pals will never trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”
23. We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors
24. We almost never have a “strap problem” in public
25. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes
26. The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe decades
27. We don’t have to shave below the neck
28. A few belches are expected and tolerated
29. Our belly usually hides our big hips
30. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons
31. We can do our nails with a pocketknife
32. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache
33. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and in 45 minutes

39 Things You’ll Never Hear a Southerner Say

39. I’ll take Shakespeare for $1,000, Alex

38. Duct tape won’t fix that

37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael

36. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken

35. We don’t keep firearms in this house

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can’t feed that to the dog

32. I thought Graceland was tacky

31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe

30. Wrasslin’s fake

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We’re vegetarians

27. Do you think my hair is too big?

26. I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy

25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?

24. Who’s Richard Petty?

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds

22. Deer heads detract from the decor

21. Spitting is such a nasty habit

20. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today

19. Trim the fat off the steak

18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso

17. The tires on that truck are too big

16. I’ll have the arugula and ridicchio salad

15. I’ve got it all on a floppy disk

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better

13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

12. My fiance, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s

11. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams

9. Checkmate

8. She’s too old to be wearing a bikini

7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

6. Hey, here’s an episode of Hee Haw that we haven’t seen

5. I don’t have a favorite college team

4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side

3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer

And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Southerner say is,

1. Elvis who?

17 Helpful Instructions

1. Follow your dream! Unless it’s the one where you’re at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee.
3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
4. If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.
5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
6. When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
7. It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the “What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is”.
10. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor’s car!
12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That’s the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
14. It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It’s a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
16. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it’s good you don’t want to get off, and when it isn’t, you can’t wait to throw up.

19 Points to Ponder

1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you had set it free.......You either married it or gave birth to it.
2. Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
3. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. Women over 50 don’t have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
5. One of life’s mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
6. My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.
7. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
8. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else does.
9. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
10. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
11. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
12. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
13. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!
14. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, “You know, sometimes I just forget to eat.” Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name, and my keys. But I’ve never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
15. A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn’t really care.
16. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, “Body, how’d you like to go to the six o’clock class in vigorous toning?” Clear as a bell my body said, “listen witch... do it and die.”
17. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
18. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
19. I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

19 Things Not To Say On Thanksgiving

1. “Talk about a huge breast!”
2. “Whew, that’s one terrific spread!”
3. “It’s a little dry. Do you still want to eat it?”
4. “Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.”
5. “Just lay back and take it easy. I’ll do the rest.”
6. “I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.”
7. “How long do I beat it before it’s ready?”
8. “Use a nice, smooth stroke when you whip it.”
9. “Don’t play with your meat.”
10. “Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.”
11. “How long will it take after you stick it in?”
12. “You’ll know when it’s ready when it pops up.”
13. “If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!”
14. “That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!”
15. “Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?”
16. “I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!”
17. “It’s Cool Whip time!”
18. “You still have a little bit on your chin.”
19. “Are you ready for seconds yet?”

21 Thoughts on Election 2000

“Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything.”

–Joseph Stalin

1. Don’t Blame Me - I voted for Gore... I Think
2. UNPRESIDENTED!
3. If God Meant Us to Vote, He Would Have Given Us Candidates
4. Jews for Buchanan
5. What popular vote?
6. I voted - Didn’t matter
7. My parents retired to Florida and all I got was this lousy President
8. Disney gave us Mickey, Florida gave us Dumbo
9. DON’T THROW AWAY YOUR VOTE........ LET KATHERINE HARRIS DO IT FOR YOU
10. Who is this Chad guy and why is he pregnant.
11. Bush trusts the people, but not if it involves counting.
12. Now do you understand the importance of user-testing?
13. One person, one vote (may not apply in certain states)
14. I DIDN’T VOTE FOR HIS DADDY EITHER
15. IT AIN’T OVER ‘TIL YOUR BROTHER COUNTS THE VOTES
16. The election can’t be broken. We just fixed it.
17. The skies (wheeze) of Texas (cough) are upon you! (choke)
18. Banana Republicans
19. George W. Bush: The President Quayle We Never Had
20. The last time somebody listened to a Bush, folks wandered in the desert for 40 years
21. Campaign spending: $184,000,000. Having your little brother rig the election for you: Priceless.

25 Steps to Better Golf

1. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a younger age.
2. The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
3. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
4. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
5. Any change works for a maximum of three holes-or at a minimum of not at all.
6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
7. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
8. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
9. If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
10. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
11. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
12. If it ain’t broke, try changing your grip.
13. Golfers who claim they don’t cheat, also lie.
14. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
15. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s luck.
16. It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you already lie eight.
17. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
18. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
19. It’s not a gimme if you’re still away.
20. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
21. There are only two kinds of bounces: unfair and lucky, and you have no control over either.
22. You can hit a two-acre fairway 10 percent of the time, and a two-inch branch 90 percent of the time.
23. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
24. To calculate the speed of a player’s downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 600 mph.
25. There are only two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

25 ways to know it’s 2001

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends (and family) is that they do not have an e-mail address.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a “9” to get an outside line.
8. You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
9. Your company’s welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
10. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o’clock news.
12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.
13. Your supervisor doesn’t have the ability to do your job.
14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
16. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
18. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go to lunch while yours boots up.
19. Being sick is defined as you can’t walk or you’re in the hospital.
20. There’s no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss’s boss on strategy.
21. Your relatives and family describe your job as “works with computers”.
22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your “friends”
24. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you don’t have time to check so you forward it anyway.
25. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

version:2 date:2/37/02