Some More Stuff

Dr. Laura

Dr. Laura (famous phone-in psychologist) recently remarked that homosexuality was an abomination according to the bible. Here’s a great letter written to her (true story) in response to her comment/ignorance.

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Times when the “F” word was appropriate

“What the fuck was that?”

–Mayor of Hiroshima

“Where did all these fucking Indians come from?”

–General Custer

“Any fucking idiot could understand that.”

–Albert Einstein

“It does so fucking look like her!”

–Pablo Picasso

“How the fuck did you work that out?”

–Pythagorus

“You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?”

–Michaelangelo

“I don’t suppose its gonna fucking rain?”

–Joan of Arc

“Scattered fucking showers...my ass.”

–Noah

“I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head.”

–John F. Kennedy

“Who the fuck is going to know? “

–Bill Clinton

Appropriate Language

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of “TRY SAYING” new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No fucking way

TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: Of course I’m concerned.

INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: It’s not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.

INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF: This shit won’t work.

TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?

INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?

TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I’m on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: I see.

INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.

INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!

TRY SAYING: I don’t think this will be a problem.

INSTEAD OF: I really don’t give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He’s a prick.

TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF: She’s a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.

Thank You, Human Resources

New Barbies

Finally a Barbie I can relate to! At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully.

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow’s-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It’s time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They’re hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.”
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, and Ken’s boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she’s going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book “Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self” is included.

Quasimodo’s Replacement

1. The Armless Bell-Ringer

After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job.

The bishop was incredulous.”You have no arms!”

“No matter,” said the man. “Observe!” And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”

“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a bell.”

2. The Armless Bell-Ringer’s Brother

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, “Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.

“The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man’s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. “What has happened? Who is this man?” the first monk asked breathlessly.

“I don’t know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop, but...

”... He’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

To Women Everywhere, From Men Who’ve Had Enough

If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, put it down.

If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

Sometimes we’re not thinking about you. Live with it. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Sunday equals sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport, and no, we’re never going to think of it that way.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really! You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let’s be clear on this one. Subtle hints don’t work. Strong hints don’t work. Really obvious hints don’t work. Just say it!

No, we don’t know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.

Peeing standing up is more difficult. We’re bound to miss sometimes.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress.

Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.

Sympathy is what your girl friends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

Check your own damn oil.

It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.

Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

ALL comments are null and void in 7 days.

If something we said can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We’re going to look anyway, it’s genetic.

You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

If it itches, it will be scratched.

If we ask what’s wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you’re lying, but it’s just not worth the hassle.

Beer, Mea Credo

Buy a man a beer and he wastes an hour. Teach a man to brew and he wastes a lifetime.”

–Unknown

“You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.”

–Frank Zappa

“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”

–Ernest Hemmingway

“Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.”

–Winston Churchill

“Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.”

–Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

“Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.”

–Churchill’s reply

“He was a wise man who invented beer.”

–Plato

“Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.”

–Catherine Zandonella

“A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.”

–W.C. Fields

“If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.”

–David Daye

“Work is the curse of the drinking class.”

–Oscar Wilde

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”

–Henny Youngman

“If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.”

–”Deep Thoughts,” by Jack Handy

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”

–Dave Barry

“The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.”

–Humphrey Bogart

“People who drink light “beer” don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.”

–Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

“Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.”

–Kaiser Wilhelm

“Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.”

–Dave Barry

“I drink to make other people interesting.”

–George Jean Nathan

“They who drink beer will think beer.”

–Washington Irving

“An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.”

–Ernest Hemmingway (“For Whom the Bell Tolls”)

“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.”

–Dean Martin

“All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me - so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.”

–Homer Simpson

“Beer, helping ugly people have sex, since 1572.”

–bumper sticker

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, it is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”

–Jack Handy

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”

–Frank Sinatra

“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

–Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!

–Brian O’Rourke

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

–Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

–Dave Barry

Remember “I” before “E”, except in Budweiser.

To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a support group!

Tragedy

President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the classes (4th grade I believe). They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the Governor if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, “tragedy.” So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a “tragedy.”

One little boy stands up and offers, “If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” says Bush, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explains the Governor. “That’s what we would call a GREAT LOSS.”

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?” Finally, way in the back of the room, Lil’ Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. “Fantastic,” exclaims Bush, “that’s right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?”

“Well,” said Lil’ Johnny, “because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss.”

version:2 date:2/37/02